That Stuck Feeling

I read two different posts on other blogs today about those authors’ NYC anniversaries. Weird, right? My four-year NYC anniversary was this week as well…I guess August 15th is a popular move-in date. They both reflected on their time here so far, and how they at times feel like they belong and don’t belong (sometimes at the same time).

I’m in that “sometimes at the same time” category. New York has never been my endgame. It’s been my “I’ll hang out here for awhile with friends and see how it goes” game. Four years later, I’m looking at staying here for at least two more years. I’ve got a wedding to plan in the area. I need at least a few more years of job experience before I can transition to management. I sure as hell don’t feel like going through that moving process again after only being in this apartment year. So I’m resigned to the fact that I’ll be here at least through summer 2015.

And then I look at the word “resigned” and I get confused. I’m not unhappy; I live so close to many of my friends and family. I’m not discontent with New York City either. I don’t mind the subways (except for when the delays are ginormous). I still love doing things like heading to Prospect Park or the beer garden. I used to do more of that, though. I’m not in love with NYC anymore. It’s just there, and I feel indifferent.

Am I too young to feel resigned? To feel indifferent about my job, where I live, how I’m spending my free time? Or is it okay, because it’s temporary, because I have goals and this is just until I get to the point where I can make those happen? Or is temporary not okay at all, should I just go out and do something I don’t feel wishy-washy about?

I don’t know.

Well, I do know. I’m too chicken to quit my job, to pick up and move, to be spontaneous. I have too much here (and that’s a good thing!), and besides, I can’t afford to quit anything without having a backup plan and paycheck.

This past weekend I had a great time with my friends. Friday, I went to Prospect Park and ended up stopping by three bars before I got home and promptly fell asleep at 11PM. On Saturday, a few friends had a brunch: the drinks were abundant, the company was excellent, we ended up staying until it was dark and I went home and made it to midnight before I fell asleep.

Who the heck am I? I’m stuck between wishing I was still young enough to get away with doing things like an all-day drinkathon, and actually being an adult and getting tired and not making it til 2 or 3AM like I used to. I need to grow up. If I’m so disillusioned with NYC, I need to stop sitting around (at bars, in the park, or otherwise) and just do things. Go to a crappy comedy show. Check out a street fair. Go to a Cyclones game. I like to think I do these things but my excitement and participation has really worn off since that first magical summer where everything in NYC just seemed to be the best ever. 

Meh.

Sorry for the major word vomit and the five thousand idea threads shoved into this post. This is what happens when you schedule student appointments during your lunch break so you don’t take lunch and then they don’t show up so you have a little bit of time to reflect on where you are and what you are feeling in that moment. Stream of conscious blogging: it’s cathartic. Try it some time.

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5 thoughts on “That Stuck Feeling

  1. I’m glad my post got you thinking, but also sorry that it perhaps inspired some anxieties! To be clear, I definitely don’t have a love/love relationship with New York, and I certainly don’t intend to live here forever. I’m looking at another 2-3 years here myself before moving on. And I’m also currently facing major anxiety and doubts about what the next step is–I know I want to move on from here (I think?) but WHERE? And doing WHAT? It’s all messy and terrifying and paralyzing–but you’re not alone. You’ll figure it all out! :)

    • Pssh, no apologizing! I don’t think anyone has a love/love relationship with NY…at least, not after a few months. I just feel like I’m at a crossroads where my friends are either buckling down for the long haul, or moving out, and I don’t really want to do either just yet. But I’m sure they’re going through the same thing too. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one!

  2. This totally resonates. My third NYCiversary was in June, and while I love it here… I feel like my enthusiasm for the city has waned considerably. When I first moved here, I was out every night… Whether that was out at a bar, or hanging out at a friend’s apartment watching TV, or even just walking around exploring… When I first moved here, NYC was novel. It was like nowhere I ever lived before….. but over time it just became the new normal, and once that happened it became all, “Well, I can always do that some other day. I’m gonna go home and sleep.”

    I work in an industry where I’m not tethered here. I can work from home just as easily as I can work in an office. However, my partner is a sound engineer and a stagehand… and while there are certainly other cities where you can do that sort of work, it’s plentiful here, so I’m here indefinitely.

    • Yup, I feel the same way! Once I moved into this apartment, it became so easy to just put things off knowing I’ll be here for awhile. And because sleeping is sometimes just the best thing in the world.

      You nailed it: it’s the new normal. I just can’t decide if it’s a normal I like, or if I want a different normal!

  3. I actually feel like the longer you live here, the less you do. One of my best friends was visiting from SF last weekend and I did so much more in one day with her than I’ve done in the past few weekends combined! It was inspiring. And made me feel much less stuck.

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